Fraud

Do you ever have a day where you wake up in the morning and you feel like a total fraud?  That was today for me.  I suppose the feeling really started yesterday, but it hit me with full force today.  I have spent a significant portion of my day today reading the blog of a woman whose faith I envy right now but whose circumstance I couldn't even begin to imagine.  Her name is Angie Smith and she, and her daughter Audrey, have inspired me.

I'm not entirely sure how to express what I've been feeling these last couple of days but I'm just going to do my best to be honest and open and hope that somewhere in this mess that I'm about to type that a point will come across and I will find a little bit of what I'm looking for.  If you choose to read the following paragraphs I thank you, if not, I don't blame you :)

So, back to this fraud business.  I woke up this morning and felt really fake, like I was living a life that was not what I said it was or even close to what I wanted it to be.  I feel like I'm claiming things in life that I have no right to claim.  For example: I claim to love the Old Testament, but I can't remember the last time I opened up my Bible, picked up a commentary, and really dug in.  I claim to be an academic at heart, but I can't remember the last time I read something that wasn't for fun...or worse, when was the last time sat down to read (anything) to relax rather than watch tv (or in my case, movies/tv shows on my computer).  I claim to be a woman of faith and yet I find myself spending the majority of my prayer time either praying with my husband because he calls us to it (I love that man) or praying a prayer from my daughter's point of view (or what I would imagine it to be) with her before she goes to sleep at night.  When was the last time I really let myself fall to my knees and pour my heart out to God...or simply fall to my knees and listen?  I don't think I've even opened my journal (my most effective form of prayer) since Tirzah was born.  Seriously?  I should be praying fervantly over that little girl every chance I get, not just my little one word, one sentence, or even one minute prayers that I pray.  I do pray, but I have not been living a life of prayer...not like I used to.

After reading a good portion of Angie's blog (starting at the beginning) I remembered my own dark places and how much my faith grew during those times of my life.  I remembered how reliant I became upon God to simply help me get out of bed in the morning sometimes and how much I loved feeling His presence and hearing His voice as I went through each day hoping that I'd make it through and to the next one.  I have been in that darkness before and God led me out.  However, I find that once I'm back in the light and life is starting to really settle into a place of joy again I forget to get on my knees and open my heart again.  I forget that I need God in every moment.  I forget that I can't just live my days from one diaper to the next, one feeding to the next, one load of laundry to the next, without inviting God in.  Things can get mundane but God loves to be a part of even the mundane because He can make those mundane moments have meaning beyond what you thought they were capable of.

I'm not a total heathen (I just realized that heathen is only one letter away from spelling my name...weird), really I'm not.  It's not as if I've turned my back or anything...I think I've just forgotten to look up and see God and smile and say, "How can I serve you today?"  I was reminded of that in church this Sunday.  I was reminded of a lot of things in church this Sunday.  I realized that even though I haven't been posting on this blog for very long I'm not sure if my faith has played a role in any of my posts, or if I've even mentioned that I'm a Christian.  And even if I have, I can't remember if I have and in my book that's just as bad.  I want my life to be a reflection of Christ in all of my endeavors and in each moment and I have not been purposeful about that at all lately, at least not with anyone but my husband.

And that's just it...even when I am being purposeful about speaking of Christ with my husband it's usually him bringing it up first or me simply saying the words that I always say.  It's not that I don't trust God because I do.  I have a peace in my life that I cannot explain and it is a true gift from God, however, I often let that peace turn into complacency and that is where I get into trouble.  I trust God to work things out, big and small, and sometimes I just leave it at that and don't even take the time to really think on things and pray on things and struggle through things with Him.  I just put it in His hands and walk away.  That is not how a relationship is supposed to be.  He promised to walk with me in this life, not for me.  He promised to carry my burdens and my sorrows but I had to walk beside Him for that to happen.  He promised that He would never leave me nor forsake me and that I can rest in that but that doesn't mean that I can simply hand my life over and stop living it.  I forget that sometimes.  I forget the living.  I forget that I have to get up everyday and live and breathe and find my way.  I forget that I can't just go through my life in a semi-dreamlike state and wake up every few months to realize that a few months have gone by because if I do that then I am not really living.  If I do that I am not growing and learning.

I don't want to just live this life, I want to thrive in it.  I want to raise my daughter to know the amazing God who made her and I want her to love Jesus with all of her heart but that won't happen if I don't model that to her.  If she doesn't see me loving Jesus (not just in words but in actions...i.e. living) then she will not know the love of Christ that I so long to see her know.  I can't wait to see faith at work in my child, but first I have to get back to faith working in me.  Every night I ask God to be with Tirzah in her dreams.  Today, I am asking Him to be with me in my waking.

I had no idea...

I really didn't realize that there was such a "blog world" out there until tonight.  I've been reading a few blogs that I've come across in recent months and tonight I discovered this entire blog devoted to bashing a fairly well known blogger in the "mommy blogging" world.  Wow.  I don't really have an opinion one way or the other about the blogger in question but I just find it odd that people get so wrapped up in strangers lives that they will make entire blogs to defame them.

I have been reading these other blogs for some ideas about various things I'd like to try in my parenting and lifestyle and while I am an optimist about people I certainly know that it is easy to portray what you want people to belive you are when you they are learning about you through your own written words.  Keeping that in mind, I have found this blog mostly enjoyable with some helpful hints on various things that I've wondered about (being new to this whole mommy thing).

As I was thinking about how sad it is that people get so up in arms over perfect strangers I realized that I had just wasted HOURS (literally) reading this stuff and trying to figure out how I felt about it.  Totally lame, I know.  It's not that I think it's lame to find a community online but I do think it's lame to waste an entire evening reading, for lack of a better term, gossip.  I could hardly believe how long I had been sitting at my computer until I looked at the clock and realized that it was like 3 or 4 hours later and I was still reading.  Geeze!!

I feel...I'm not sure what word I'm looking for here.  It's like, part of me really wants to keep reading because I have this insatiable curiosity in life to know people's business and know what the REAL truth is, and another part of me is screaming at me to stop because it is a complete waste of my time and my own, very real, life is waiting for me to start living it again.  I am glad to have found this blog (whether the blogger is completely delusional or not) because I feel like there is some genuinely useful information on it, but it's not the end of my world if she is not all she claims to be.  Although, to be completely honest, I am a little disheartened at the accusations because she seems, at first glance anyway, like a genuine person and someone I could enjoy knowing if I were to ever know her...meet her...you get the point.

I suppose the point of this post is, I really didn't even know that this was a thing and clearly something that consumes a lot of people's lives.  It's a big, bad, blogging, world out there, and I am not even sure I want to be a part of it anymore.  I suppose there is a price to pay for putting your life online for the masses to read.  Maybe that's why I've kept my Facebook profile so very private all this time (and I think I'll continue to do so).

My new mission (or my old one revisited?)

Two posts in one day...wow :)

My aunt Char once told me that I was not behind and to jump in where I was.  She got these wise words from non other than FlyLady.  While browsing Facebook today I saw that my sister-in-law became a fan of FlyLady on Facebook. I too became a fan, and then went to her site and signed up for her emails.

After perusing the site for awhile and reading my welcome email I did exactly what I was told to do...I shined my sink!! I am quite pleased with the result.

While my sink was soaking I decided to clean the toilet...and surrounding areas. Our particular environment in Idaho makes our toilet collect condensation and I think it was growing mold underneath and the floor around it was soaked (didn't realize that one). So...I am feeling quite accomplished in this moment. Next on my list: the February challenge of de-cluttering for 15 minutes everyday, starting today (for me anyway). Woohoo!! :)

On another note...Tirzah tried rice cereal for the first time today.  She wasn't quite sure what to think of it :)

P.S. I've also discovered how to link things...yay!!

An Update

I'm sitting here listening to my daughter on the monitor and I can't help but smile.  She just woke up from her nap and rather than crying (although she thought about it) she's decided to "talk" and play a little in her crib until I come to get her.  I can't help but just sit here and listen.  I don't want to go in just so I can hear her enjoy herself :)

She decided she'd like to have some company after all...

Okay, now onto the actual post.  I suppose the real point of this blog is that I haven't blogged in awhile so I figure I should write an update so that I can stop updating with each post and just start writing.   There are some exciting (for me) things going on right now in my life.  Tirzah is now rolling over from back to tummy on her own.  It's fun, until she gets stuck because she's forgotten how to roll the other way.  I'm sure it's only a temporary thing, but until she remembers I spend a lot of time encouraging her to turn back over and then helping her because she gets so upset.  She has also discovered the joy of the bouncer.

One of my favorite things is that Jacob has decided to be my exercise buddy.  He's doing Turbo Jam with me and when I do lower body he does weights.  It's great to have someone to work out with, especially on days that I'm tired and don't want to work out.  He has also decided to diet with me as well.  I've been doing Weight Watchers (don't think I've mentioned that yet) and while he won't be attending meetings he is counting points.  Well, I'm counting them for him mostly...or at least writing them down for him.

Last semester went well and Jacob did very well on his finals.  We are hoping for similar results this semester.  We are currently trying to figure out what Jacob should be doing this summer.  He's applying for internships along the coast (places where he might have a place to live with family or friends) and also looking into a few externship options.  We'll see how that pans out.

Tirzah had her first cold.  She had a couple of rough nights but she managed to get through it and is now feeling much better.  She will be 6 months old on Friday.  Wow!!  We are going to start her on solids soon.  I'm sure I'll be posting some pictures of that endeavor on Facebook :)  I suppose that is all that I have to update at the moment.  Now I can get back to my random thoughts and ramblings :)