Fraud

Do you ever have a day where you wake up in the morning and you feel like a total fraud?  That was today for me.  I suppose the feeling really started yesterday, but it hit me with full force today.  I have spent a significant portion of my day today reading the blog of a woman whose faith I envy right now but whose circumstance I couldn't even begin to imagine.  Her name is Angie Smith and she, and her daughter Audrey, have inspired me.

I'm not entirely sure how to express what I've been feeling these last couple of days but I'm just going to do my best to be honest and open and hope that somewhere in this mess that I'm about to type that a point will come across and I will find a little bit of what I'm looking for.  If you choose to read the following paragraphs I thank you, if not, I don't blame you :)

So, back to this fraud business.  I woke up this morning and felt really fake, like I was living a life that was not what I said it was or even close to what I wanted it to be.  I feel like I'm claiming things in life that I have no right to claim.  For example: I claim to love the Old Testament, but I can't remember the last time I opened up my Bible, picked up a commentary, and really dug in.  I claim to be an academic at heart, but I can't remember the last time I read something that wasn't for fun...or worse, when was the last time sat down to read (anything) to relax rather than watch tv (or in my case, movies/tv shows on my computer).  I claim to be a woman of faith and yet I find myself spending the majority of my prayer time either praying with my husband because he calls us to it (I love that man) or praying a prayer from my daughter's point of view (or what I would imagine it to be) with her before she goes to sleep at night.  When was the last time I really let myself fall to my knees and pour my heart out to God...or simply fall to my knees and listen?  I don't think I've even opened my journal (my most effective form of prayer) since Tirzah was born.  Seriously?  I should be praying fervantly over that little girl every chance I get, not just my little one word, one sentence, or even one minute prayers that I pray.  I do pray, but I have not been living a life of prayer...not like I used to.

After reading a good portion of Angie's blog (starting at the beginning) I remembered my own dark places and how much my faith grew during those times of my life.  I remembered how reliant I became upon God to simply help me get out of bed in the morning sometimes and how much I loved feeling His presence and hearing His voice as I went through each day hoping that I'd make it through and to the next one.  I have been in that darkness before and God led me out.  However, I find that once I'm back in the light and life is starting to really settle into a place of joy again I forget to get on my knees and open my heart again.  I forget that I need God in every moment.  I forget that I can't just live my days from one diaper to the next, one feeding to the next, one load of laundry to the next, without inviting God in.  Things can get mundane but God loves to be a part of even the mundane because He can make those mundane moments have meaning beyond what you thought they were capable of.

I'm not a total heathen (I just realized that heathen is only one letter away from spelling my name...weird), really I'm not.  It's not as if I've turned my back or anything...I think I've just forgotten to look up and see God and smile and say, "How can I serve you today?"  I was reminded of that in church this Sunday.  I was reminded of a lot of things in church this Sunday.  I realized that even though I haven't been posting on this blog for very long I'm not sure if my faith has played a role in any of my posts, or if I've even mentioned that I'm a Christian.  And even if I have, I can't remember if I have and in my book that's just as bad.  I want my life to be a reflection of Christ in all of my endeavors and in each moment and I have not been purposeful about that at all lately, at least not with anyone but my husband.

And that's just it...even when I am being purposeful about speaking of Christ with my husband it's usually him bringing it up first or me simply saying the words that I always say.  It's not that I don't trust God because I do.  I have a peace in my life that I cannot explain and it is a true gift from God, however, I often let that peace turn into complacency and that is where I get into trouble.  I trust God to work things out, big and small, and sometimes I just leave it at that and don't even take the time to really think on things and pray on things and struggle through things with Him.  I just put it in His hands and walk away.  That is not how a relationship is supposed to be.  He promised to walk with me in this life, not for me.  He promised to carry my burdens and my sorrows but I had to walk beside Him for that to happen.  He promised that He would never leave me nor forsake me and that I can rest in that but that doesn't mean that I can simply hand my life over and stop living it.  I forget that sometimes.  I forget the living.  I forget that I have to get up everyday and live and breathe and find my way.  I forget that I can't just go through my life in a semi-dreamlike state and wake up every few months to realize that a few months have gone by because if I do that then I am not really living.  If I do that I am not growing and learning.

I don't want to just live this life, I want to thrive in it.  I want to raise my daughter to know the amazing God who made her and I want her to love Jesus with all of her heart but that won't happen if I don't model that to her.  If she doesn't see me loving Jesus (not just in words but in actions...i.e. living) then she will not know the love of Christ that I so long to see her know.  I can't wait to see faith at work in my child, but first I have to get back to faith working in me.  Every night I ask God to be with Tirzah in her dreams.  Today, I am asking Him to be with me in my waking.