Addict

UPDATE:  In response to a comment made below...

Rachel Ann,

First let me say that your response was not offensive in the least.  Just wanted to reassure you :) 

Second, you have totally hit the nail on the head.  I think you've managed to express what was rumbling around in my head much better than I did or could at the moment because I hadn't quite gotten as far as this with my process yet.  After my initial post I got to thinking a little more about what I had written and how I was feeling and I started to wonder the same thing about breaking bread and community.  I started thinking about communion and the early church especially and how everytime Christians would meet together they would partake in communion and break bread together to not only remember but also to enter into true fellowship.  Meals are meant as a means to fellowship.  That is where we have gone astray, and that is what you have so eloquently reminded me (and anyone else who is reading this) of, among other things.  Thank you for organizing my thoughts for me faster than I was able to :)  And thank you for reminding me (although you probably didn't realize you did this) that my Biblical Studies degree can still serve a purpose in my everyday life even if I am not pursuing higher education at the moment because I know Jewish history and culture and I am able to dig in and understand (or at least try to) the finer points of the Bible and it can shed light on even my everyday quandries.  Sometimes I let myself forget that I have these capabilities and I simply wander around in my seeming darkness without reminding myself that I have the means to turn on the light.  Thank you for reminding me of that.  I think tomorrow's dinner will be served at the table rather than on the couch (I know, sad right?).


ORIGINAL POST:
 I feel like food rules my life (and the lives of so many others).  Think about it for a minute, seriously.  When something good happens we (or at least I) want to celebrate by going out to eat or making something really yummy that I don't eat very often.  When something bad happens, I want to eat "comfort" food (different for everyone but always comforting, for about 1/2 an hour and then I just regret eating it).  I eat when I'm happy, sad, bored, angry, etc.  Food even rules my life when I'm busy because I forget to eat and then I get really grumpy because my blood sugar is so low and then I remember that I need to eat but by then I'm not really hungry so I have to figure out what to eat and the whole process ends up making me more grumpy until I actually eat and then I just want to eat more.

It's not like I'm morbidly obese and all I ever do is eat.  That isn't the point.  The point is that I don't want food to play that big of a role in my life.  I don't want food to be the first thing I think about for any event or circumstance that comes up.  I don't want the first thing I do when I'm bored to be going and opening the fridge looking for something to eat when I'm not even hungry (and then doing it again 5 minutes later).  I don't want to eat because I'm mad that I just ate whatever it is that I just ate (that one's a killer and sooooo freaking stupid...go figure).  I spend entirely too much time thinking about food.  I don't even necessarily eat that much, but I think about food all the time and it's really frustrating.

Why can't we celebrate something by going for a walk or seeing a movie or ANYTHING else but eating?  Why can't we console ourselves with a good book, or country music? :)  Why does it always have to be food?

I love to cook.  I don't want to stop cooking by any means.  I love to try new recipes and I love to make old favorites.  I love being in the kitchen (minus the clean up) and I will probably always love it, but I don't want to be in the kitchen simply because I'm feeling slightly emotional.  I want to be in the kitchen because it's time for dinner.

Not everyone feels this way, but I know a lot of people out there do.  It just occurred to me the other day when my husband finished his final paper for Legal Writing.  The first thing we wanted to do to celebrate was eat something.  WHY?  What has happened to the world that food is the focus of every occassion?  Parties are all about what is being served, vacations are all about what restaurants you try...even theme parks are about the churros and pretzels and cotton candy and frozen lemonade.  It's not that other things aren't important too (like the rides for intsance), it's just that food is always such a big deal and I am getting really sick of it.  I don't want food to be the first thing I think about for everything...or anything for that matter.  I mean, half of my memories of things are of the food...how sad is that?

This is really rambly (not a word but oh well) and probably not making sense anymore.  I'm just frustrated with it all.  Every time old friends are going to catch up it's over lunch.  Lunch isn't a bad thing, don't get me wrong.  I just don't understand why food has become so all encompassing.  I probably wouldn't care if I didn't have weight I was trying to lose.  I probably wouldn't care if I didn't eat like crap when I felt crappy making myself feel even crappier.  I probably wouldn't care at all if I had money to go out when I wanted to and didn't mind that I don't look the way that I want to and am struggling at this point to get where I want to go with my weight.  But I do care, and come to think of it this is not the first time I've been bothered by how much food has taken over our lives.

I'm an emotional eater (as evidenced by the first paragraph of this post).  I'll admit it. For all intents and purposes I'm an addict.  The only problem is, the thing that I'm addicted to is something I cannot cut out of my life and something that rules most people's lives without them even realizing it.  So now what?