I am encouraged and blah all at the same time. I am encouraged because my bookshelves are done and beautiful, my house is pretty much clean, and I wrote a little box every other day on the calander to remind myself to vacuum (I just forget and then don't realize how long it has been since I did it...sense of time = TERRIBLE!!). I am blah because I can't seem to get up the energy to deal with the desk again. It got a little overrun this last week because we were so busy and then gone part of this weekend. I've been trying to use my evenings to work out and do the daily house cleaning tasks and I had so many errands to do last week what with dentists, and doctors, and groceries, and who knows what else, that I got waaaay behind on the desk and now it is a mess. It would probably only take me half an hour or so to sort through it all but I just don't want to. Sad, I know.
In any case...Tirzah is doing really well. She went down for what I thought would be a nap at 5:30 and is still asleep so...oops? I guess I'll be up really early in the morning :) She is now part of the Infants and Toddlers program in Idaho. It basically helps track development for early or underweight babies, babies who were IUGR (which she was), etc. to make sure that they are on track and if they aren't to help them catch up. She will have a basic assessment sometime in the next two weeks and then a monthly visit to keep an eye on her. She seems to be on track with everything but this way if there is something to catch it will be caught early. I'm glad to have someone else looking out for her development other than me all the time with everything I read. I'm really funny actually. I read all of these different things and I talk to Jacob all the time about what she is doing, what she'll be doing soon, what she should be doing, how she's ahead here and on track there (so far she isn't behind in anything). It cracks me up...I know, I'm easily amused :)
I guess this is just a basic update blog. Nothing really exciting to report. Jacob is studying like a fiend as usual. He spends pretty much 85-90 hours a week with his nose in a book or in class. He takes breaks to spend time with the baby and have a conversation with me and that's about it. Such is law school. I'm super proud of him and how hard he's working and it's great to see how much he is really enjoying what he's learning. I'm jealous sometimes :) So...that's our life as we know it right now. School, diapers, doctors, piled up mail, and the ever constant battle with laundry :)
*I wrote this post a few days ago and forgot to actually post it. As an update, I went through the desk so that's good and Tirzah's bedtime is now between 5:30-6:30 every night and it's working really well for her. She's much happier during her awake time. She only wakes up to nurse twice at night, usually sometime around midnight and then sometime between 3 and 4. When I was putting her down later she'd wake up between 2:30 and 3:30 every night to nurse but she was a lot grumpier during the day so I'm happy to get up twice (or once if I haven't gone to bed yet, which sadly is often the case) to have a happier baby during the day :) She's also napping better...so yay!! Now if only we could get her to take a bottle so mommy could have a break every now and then :)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Oh Dear...
It's been awhile since I've written anything. Here's the deal...
I feel like I'm falling a little bit, falling and failing. Well, I'm not really failing but I am for sure floundering. Can I get a few more alliterations in there? :) So, we've had a hectic few weeks here in Idaho and with all of the stuff that's been going on I've lost sight of my "Just Do It" lifestyle. I've let myself get back into the habit of looking at everything all at once and feeling overwhelmed and then wanting to curl up into a little cocoon and hide from all of the things I need to get done. I know it's not logical and I know that this is a process but it's a hard one and old habits really do die hard. I am so full of cliches in this blog I hardly know what to do with myself ;)
On a positive note, I have been doing pretty well with working out this week (I even worked out in Federal Way when we went to visit...go me). I haven't worked out yet tonight and it is almost 11pm but I am going to even though it's late...better late than never (cliche, I know). I wouldn't normally work out this late but I feel like I need to in order to not feel like I completely wasted my day, which I sort of did. Well, not entirely. I took Jacob to the dentist, had a doctor's appointment, made dinner, did some much needed mail stuff, did the dishes, and all the while dealt with a fussy baby (she gets fussy at about 5 or 6 and pretty much stays that way until bed...definitely a morning lark and I have no idea where she got it from because neither of her parents are like that AT ALL). Still, I feel like I could have been much more productive today and part of that is because, well, I could have, and also I'm looking around my house and seeing a lot of clutter that would be so easy to just pick up. I just keep looking at it like it is the most giant task in the whole world though so it keeps not getting done. I need to get back to tackling one thing at a time and not worrying about anything else at all. I think I'll start now, starting with the couch...yes there is junk on my couch and no I have not moved it because I rarely actually sit on the couch but rather sit in the papazan chair. Off to Just Do It!! :)
Oh...I have decided to post radom pics that may or may not have anything to do with what I'm writing about with some of these blogs. They will probably mostly be of Tirzah :) I can't help myself, she's just so cute!!
I feel like I'm falling a little bit, falling and failing. Well, I'm not really failing but I am for sure floundering. Can I get a few more alliterations in there? :) So, we've had a hectic few weeks here in Idaho and with all of the stuff that's been going on I've lost sight of my "Just Do It" lifestyle. I've let myself get back into the habit of looking at everything all at once and feeling overwhelmed and then wanting to curl up into a little cocoon and hide from all of the things I need to get done. I know it's not logical and I know that this is a process but it's a hard one and old habits really do die hard. I am so full of cliches in this blog I hardly know what to do with myself ;)
On a positive note, I have been doing pretty well with working out this week (I even worked out in Federal Way when we went to visit...go me). I haven't worked out yet tonight and it is almost 11pm but I am going to even though it's late...better late than never (cliche, I know). I wouldn't normally work out this late but I feel like I need to in order to not feel like I completely wasted my day, which I sort of did. Well, not entirely. I took Jacob to the dentist, had a doctor's appointment, made dinner, did some much needed mail stuff, did the dishes, and all the while dealt with a fussy baby (she gets fussy at about 5 or 6 and pretty much stays that way until bed...definitely a morning lark and I have no idea where she got it from because neither of her parents are like that AT ALL). Still, I feel like I could have been much more productive today and part of that is because, well, I could have, and also I'm looking around my house and seeing a lot of clutter that would be so easy to just pick up. I just keep looking at it like it is the most giant task in the whole world though so it keeps not getting done. I need to get back to tackling one thing at a time and not worrying about anything else at all. I think I'll start now, starting with the couch...yes there is junk on my couch and no I have not moved it because I rarely actually sit on the couch but rather sit in the papazan chair. Off to Just Do It!! :)
Monday, October 5, 2009
Moments
You know, until you have really small children (I'm talking infants here), you don't really realize how much each day matters. People change over time, even kids change over time. You can see a change in a few months or a year or a few years, but infants change in mere moments. One day they are barely lifting their head and the very next day they are lifting it like a pro. They haven't smiled once at you and then all of a sudden they are full of smiles all the time. They even seem to grow overnight!! It makes you realize in a way that nothing else can that every moment really does count no matter how cliche that sounds. It makes you realize that each day really is a new day and a new chance to be something better. Just because yesterday didn't go as well as you would have hoped it doesn't mean that today can't be the start of something new. And that's the best part, everytime you fall down you really can pick yourself back up and try again. When you are watching a little one change and grow every day you realize how much change can really occur in a matter of moments and you start to learn how to make each moment count for something. I am not on a diet, I am making the right choice each time I choose to eat. I do not have an excercise routine, I am making the choice to excercise each day that I can. I am not on a mission to makeover my habits or clean my whole house, I am making a choice one moment at a time to clean this counter or unpack this box or fold this shirt (not even the whole pile of laundry but each item in each moment so that if I get interrupted as can so often happen when you have children I don't feel like I haven't gotten anything done). Moments...each one really can make a difference in the course of a day, a month, a year, a life.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Yay for excercise!!
I went jogging tonight for the first time since it snowed last November (around the same time I got pregnant...hence the no more jogging after the snow went away because by then I was like 4 months along or something). The baby was sleeping, we'd already had dinner (dinner has been a late affair for us the past few weeks because of Tirzah's sleep schedule but tonight worked out for us to have dinner at an actual dinner time), and it was finally cool because the sun had gone down. Sooo....my husband told me to go and he would take care of the baby if she woke up. I took a phone with me so that I would know if I needed to turn around early because we knew she'd be hungry when she woke up but luckily I was already on my way back when that happened. I jogged almost all the way to my destination (the administration building on campus) and then walked back. It is a nice jog because it is a bit hilly (well, quite a bit in some spots) so you really get a lot of excercise in a short amount of time. I ended up walking back because my stomach hurt a little, like maybe I was about to overdue it for having had a baby so recently. I figured, regardless of whether or not I feel like I have the energy to jog the rest I'd better listen to my insides so I don't do any damage.
It was really nice to get out and exercise. I've taken a few walks with Jacob and the baby but this is the first jog I've done since getting pregnant and it was a really great feeling. It's something that I've been wanting to do but haven't taken the time yet and today I "Just did it" :) Jacob and I have taken to calling various hours in the day or various tasks just do it time or just do it tasks. Anyway, it felt really good to jog. It's a feeling of accomplishment that is not the same as unpacking a box or cleaning the floors or something but accomplishment all the same. On the topic of cleaning, I cleaned the cutting board thing that I have last night as well as sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor. I also reorganized our pantry cupboard (it's just a tiny cupboard but I wanted my spices in there so I redid it to make it work). Slowly but surely I will get this house together :)
It was really nice to get out and exercise. I've taken a few walks with Jacob and the baby but this is the first jog I've done since getting pregnant and it was a really great feeling. It's something that I've been wanting to do but haven't taken the time yet and today I "Just did it" :) Jacob and I have taken to calling various hours in the day or various tasks just do it time or just do it tasks. Anyway, it felt really good to jog. It's a feeling of accomplishment that is not the same as unpacking a box or cleaning the floors or something but accomplishment all the same. On the topic of cleaning, I cleaned the cutting board thing that I have last night as well as sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor. I also reorganized our pantry cupboard (it's just a tiny cupboard but I wanted my spices in there so I redid it to make it work). Slowly but surely I will get this house together :)
Monday, September 21, 2009
The first breakthrough.
Well...I wouldn't necessarily call it a breakthrough but it's at least a first step. I need to live my life by the Nike slogan "Just Do It". It is difficult to understand how important this is unless you've walked in my shoes for a few days, or at least had a struggle similar to mine. Enter my incredible husband. You see, I was beginning to be bothered by the facebook conversation that was happening all about my seeming inability to unpack boxes (and in my estimation be generally productive). I was trying to figure out why I was so bothered with it because nothing that was said was mean or rude or even off color really. It was all true and mostly an attempt to be helpful in one way or another. People were being supportive and giving suggestions and encouragement and yet...I was bothered. This puzzled me so I was trying to figure it out by verbally processing with my husband. Jacob figured it out for me because it is similar to things that he deals with on a daily basis. It comes down to simply this...fear.
Now, I know how weird that sounds. "How can anyone be afraid of unpacking a box, or cleaning a desk, or vacuuming a room?" you might ask. I would have asked the same thing until tonight. You see, when I talk about how overwhelming things look to me and that I don't even know where to begin it really comes down to fear. I'm not afraid of what I'll be cleaning or what I might find, I'm not even afraid to do the task itself, I'm just afraid. It's like...hmm...how shall I attempt to explain this where I won't sound crazy? Okay, everything that I need to do is something small and simple. However, in my mind, for whatever reason, each of those things is GIGANTIC AND INSURMOUNTABLE!!! And here's the kicker: it's not that everything put together looks overwhelming to me as I've always thought, it's each individual thing that must be done that is daunting...so imagine the sheer terror I feel when looking at all of the HUGE things that culminate into something completely undoable!! I'm not turning a lot of little molehills into mountains, rather, I am turning a lot of mountains into the freaking Swiss Alps!! It's not like any of these things are actually huge and truly daunting...that's just how I perceive them for some reason.
So, the point of all of this rambling is that I managed to hack my way through a significant amount of what I deemed impossible to accomplish things tonight. My husband talked to me about how to tackle this sort of thing because it is the sort of fear he has to tackle on a daily basis and the best thing to do is to just do it...hence, Nike. It seems much simpler in writing. It's not a get off your butt and unpack a box mentality because that clearly doesn't work, has never worked, and likely will never work with me. This is something much deeper that I can't quite put into words but it is something I've struggled with my entire life. He told me that the way to handle it is to pick a single task and tell myself that I'm going to just do it and that it's not going to kill me and I don't have to be afraid of it and I don't have to do anything else, just that one thing. Wow, it seems so silly when I write it down. I really can't explain how huge this is to me and I feel stupid for even writing it because it is something that seems like such a "duh" thing to everyone else but it's really not. I'm never going to be able to explain this without people thinking I'm retarded so whatever. The point is, I managed to clean the desk (I mean really clean, and organize), unpack two boxes that likely would have been two boxes I would have purposefully avoided due to the contents (random stuff that I had to figure out what the heck to do with it...not nearly as scary as I made it out to be in my head), clear off the TV stand (that doesn't actually have a TV on it since we don't own one but is where we put the box fan so it's in front of the window), and vacuum the papazan chair as well as the living room (okay, so I had to vacuum around the boxes I still haven't gotten to but one step at a time here people).
The papazan chair is a significant victory to me because I started with cleaning the cat hair off of it with this brick thing that I have that I love for pet hair but it wasn't clean enough. Normally I would have just said, "that's good enough," and left it but I got out the vacuum and used the pet brush thing to vacuum it. Then, to top it off, there were crumbs and what not in the little crevices of the cushion and I again would have thought, "well I'll do that later," but instead I put a different attachment on the hose and vacuumed the crap out of that thing. If I had actually put it off for later it likely would never have gotten done the entire time we lived here. Okay, I admitted to it...it's in writing, moving on. I know it only took like an extra 10 seconds to change the attachment and really clean the thing but it is not something I would normally do so it was quite a cool thing for me. I am airing my dirtly laundry here...showing myself in all of my glorious weakness. Wow.
Well, there you have it, another step on what looks like it will be a long but worthwhile journey. Take it how you will.
Now, I know how weird that sounds. "How can anyone be afraid of unpacking a box, or cleaning a desk, or vacuuming a room?" you might ask. I would have asked the same thing until tonight. You see, when I talk about how overwhelming things look to me and that I don't even know where to begin it really comes down to fear. I'm not afraid of what I'll be cleaning or what I might find, I'm not even afraid to do the task itself, I'm just afraid. It's like...hmm...how shall I attempt to explain this where I won't sound crazy? Okay, everything that I need to do is something small and simple. However, in my mind, for whatever reason, each of those things is GIGANTIC AND INSURMOUNTABLE!!! And here's the kicker: it's not that everything put together looks overwhelming to me as I've always thought, it's each individual thing that must be done that is daunting...so imagine the sheer terror I feel when looking at all of the HUGE things that culminate into something completely undoable!! I'm not turning a lot of little molehills into mountains, rather, I am turning a lot of mountains into the freaking Swiss Alps!! It's not like any of these things are actually huge and truly daunting...that's just how I perceive them for some reason.
So, the point of all of this rambling is that I managed to hack my way through a significant amount of what I deemed impossible to accomplish things tonight. My husband talked to me about how to tackle this sort of thing because it is the sort of fear he has to tackle on a daily basis and the best thing to do is to just do it...hence, Nike. It seems much simpler in writing. It's not a get off your butt and unpack a box mentality because that clearly doesn't work, has never worked, and likely will never work with me. This is something much deeper that I can't quite put into words but it is something I've struggled with my entire life. He told me that the way to handle it is to pick a single task and tell myself that I'm going to just do it and that it's not going to kill me and I don't have to be afraid of it and I don't have to do anything else, just that one thing. Wow, it seems so silly when I write it down. I really can't explain how huge this is to me and I feel stupid for even writing it because it is something that seems like such a "duh" thing to everyone else but it's really not. I'm never going to be able to explain this without people thinking I'm retarded so whatever. The point is, I managed to clean the desk (I mean really clean, and organize), unpack two boxes that likely would have been two boxes I would have purposefully avoided due to the contents (random stuff that I had to figure out what the heck to do with it...not nearly as scary as I made it out to be in my head), clear off the TV stand (that doesn't actually have a TV on it since we don't own one but is where we put the box fan so it's in front of the window), and vacuum the papazan chair as well as the living room (okay, so I had to vacuum around the boxes I still haven't gotten to but one step at a time here people).
The papazan chair is a significant victory to me because I started with cleaning the cat hair off of it with this brick thing that I have that I love for pet hair but it wasn't clean enough. Normally I would have just said, "that's good enough," and left it but I got out the vacuum and used the pet brush thing to vacuum it. Then, to top it off, there were crumbs and what not in the little crevices of the cushion and I again would have thought, "well I'll do that later," but instead I put a different attachment on the hose and vacuumed the crap out of that thing. If I had actually put it off for later it likely would never have gotten done the entire time we lived here. Okay, I admitted to it...it's in writing, moving on. I know it only took like an extra 10 seconds to change the attachment and really clean the thing but it is not something I would normally do so it was quite a cool thing for me. I am airing my dirtly laundry here...showing myself in all of my glorious weakness. Wow.
Well, there you have it, another step on what looks like it will be a long but worthwhile journey. Take it how you will.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
It's the little things.
It really is. The little things that I get done help me to feel like I'm actually accomplishing something and like I can breathe a little bit easier. I cleared off the desktop on my computer today (well, last night and today). For a long time I kept it really clear and had a line of folders all with specific labels on the right side where I would store all of the stuff that is inevitably accumulated over time with downloads and what not. The last year or so has been so crazy and stuff has piled up on my desktop to the point where there was pretty much no room left for anything else. Most of the stuff was stuff that I used once and didn't even need anymore but I had let it get so out of control that I didn't know what was what anymore and knew I'd have to open each item to see if I needed it anymore before I either trashed it or stored it in a different folder. The thought of actually doing that was not pleasant so I kept putting it off. Last night I decided that I couldn't stand it anymore so I went through EVERYTHING and low and behold...my desktop is now cleared of all unnecessary crap and my folders look nice and neat again. I look at my computer and a place in my head feels clearer...more able to think. It's weird how that is, a cleaner environment makes everything easier, especially since I always have so much junk in my head that I can't get rid of. There's no reason to have junk in my eyesight too. And now I can actually see my desktop picture :)
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I need a life...
I've been thinking about why I am starting this blog and it comes down to simply this...I need a life...badly. Don't get me wrong, I love many parts of my life right now. I have an amazing husband and an amazing daughter and we are starting an amazing journey in Moscow, ID (hence, a new beginning). I simply want to be an active participant in that journey rather than just a casual observer with the occasional question or comment. I could so easily let Jacob go to law school and support him in the process, cook meals, watch the baby, play with the baby, change the baby, feed the baby, clean the house, and let that be my life but I DON'T WANT TO!!! I don't want to be one of those women that completely loses herself when she becomes a mom, or a wife for that matter. I have a brain, and I want to use it. I'm not sure how to utilize said brain at this particular moment...meaning I'm not sure what endeavor I ought to pursue with my brain, however, I am determined to figure it out. Even if it is just reading through the millions of books I own (the academic ones, not the pleasure reading ones) at least I'll be exercising my brain.
Now, let's be honest...I am not a self-starter. I'm not terribly motivated in, well, pretty much anything. I don't care enough to care most of the time. There are very few things in life that get me going or rather make me want to get going. I just don't really see the point most of the time. However, and let me state this most emphatically this time, I NEED A LIFE!!! I'm becoming boring...just ask my husband :) I don't have anything left to talk about except when Tirzah ate last and how full her diaper was. Sometimes I talk about the fact that I need to do the dishes before I go to bed (which I should be doing right now) and sometimes I even play with the idea of unpacking another box in my never-ending and always overwhelming quest to make this house a home. That's another thing...I'm terrible with the whole getting settled thing. I have been known to leave a box in a most inopportune spot for a year or more simply because the thought of going through it is overwhelming to me. Stupid? Yes. Explainable? Maybe, but that doesn't excuse it. I'm a little bit of a babbler so if you are still reading this good for you :)
Okay, back to the point of me needing a life. Like I said, I'm not entirely sure what shape this life will take but I am determined to find it and cultivate it and thrive within it so...I suppose that is the point of this blog. This blog is meant to chronicle the journey of my finding a life, a new beginning. It is also meant to keep me accountable in my efforts to find a life because, again, I'm not a self-starter and I tend to let days and weeks and even months go by before I realize, "Oh yeah, I was supposed to be doing something productive with myself." :) I do much better when I have someone else kicking my...well, you get the point ;) This will be interesting...I hope.
Now, let's be honest...I am not a self-starter. I'm not terribly motivated in, well, pretty much anything. I don't care enough to care most of the time. There are very few things in life that get me going or rather make me want to get going. I just don't really see the point most of the time. However, and let me state this most emphatically this time, I NEED A LIFE!!! I'm becoming boring...just ask my husband :) I don't have anything left to talk about except when Tirzah ate last and how full her diaper was. Sometimes I talk about the fact that I need to do the dishes before I go to bed (which I should be doing right now) and sometimes I even play with the idea of unpacking another box in my never-ending and always overwhelming quest to make this house a home. That's another thing...I'm terrible with the whole getting settled thing. I have been known to leave a box in a most inopportune spot for a year or more simply because the thought of going through it is overwhelming to me. Stupid? Yes. Explainable? Maybe, but that doesn't excuse it. I'm a little bit of a babbler so if you are still reading this good for you :)
Okay, back to the point of me needing a life. Like I said, I'm not entirely sure what shape this life will take but I am determined to find it and cultivate it and thrive within it so...I suppose that is the point of this blog. This blog is meant to chronicle the journey of my finding a life, a new beginning. It is also meant to keep me accountable in my efforts to find a life because, again, I'm not a self-starter and I tend to let days and weeks and even months go by before I realize, "Oh yeah, I was supposed to be doing something productive with myself." :) I do much better when I have someone else kicking my...well, you get the point ;) This will be interesting...I hope.
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